On names

[anecdata]

For the past few months I've been meeting with my cousin for coffee. It used to be on fridays after work, but lately it has been early saturday mornings. I like the new time, it feels like my brain is fresh and ready for conversation. This is a very odd dynamic. My dad has four brothers, of which he is the youngest. I am the youngest son of the youngest of the four. My cousin is the oldest son of the oldest of the four. He's closer to my dad's age than he is to mine. Odd dynamic.

Today we talked about name changes. it's something that I have been thinking about. For whatever reason, I think a name change can be a powerful thing. Why shouldn't the thing we call ourselves be our own? Legal aspects not withstanding, it is a difficult decision.

It has been on my mind primarily as a means of distancing. Establishing filial boundaries. The more I learn about my family's decorum, the less I seem to want to be involved. I've seen the group I consider my family shrink. The past year has been really about defining what aspects of my life I want to maintain. And, as you'd expect, the aspects of my life I want to be rid of. I think that's basically where the family name change comes from. The idea certainly has its merits in my mind, however I don't know what I'd change it to. There isn't really anything that I think so strongly about. I was thinking of just leaving it null, but I don't know if I'm allowed to do that? But I again think that your name should be what you want and what you're comfortable with. What a nuisance that you have to deal with legacy baggage around it.

It makes me wonder whether folks who change their name actually go through the legal matters. I've looked into it for my state, and it honestly seems like alot. I get it, it's the one legal identifier that basically exists everywhere. But petitions, fees, forms etc, just seem so convoluted.

I think I understand if younger generations want to change their names. Especially so, if you are of a minority demographic. It's hard enough being different in a mostly homogenous school without your name also standing out. There's issues with pronunciations and just general teenage chicanery. Yes, there's the argument that when you're older you'll appreciate the nuance and history behind your name. But what aboutt he difficulties while in school. I went to a pretty diverse school system - in that I wasn't the only brown person. Even so, my name is a point of humiliation for me. So much so, that I already had gone by a different name in public for a few years. Before I realized that if people can learn to say Barak Obama, they can damn well learn how to say my name. I realize now that normalizing different names is important, but should these be the triublations that chidlren go through? If a younger version of myself were to ask me for approval for changing his name, I'd say go right ahead. Because despite the historical / legacy attachments to my name, being comfortable and happy with what we're called is more important. I don't think it's right to be so concerned and worried about what the dead or unborn think about your actions that you suffer in the present.

Your family will likely not be happy with the prospect of changing a name. They may think that it is an act that reflects on them, or that it is something you're doing to them. But really, it's for the individual - it's for you. Is there a more substantial reason?

Comments

[axael]

The only time I know that it's easy to do a name change is during the marriage process, since name changes are expected? Apparently it's streamlined (possibly for all parties, depending on what the final form of the last name is, but definitely for the wife)? Someone I know waited until later, after the wedding, to decide to change her name and apparently it was VERY bothersome.

But, idk, I feel like changing your name can be as complicated or as not as you want, like, emotionally? I know a guy who changed his name to Turing, because he wanted to, and I don't think he stressed about it. But I've been front row my trans friends' fraught efforts to shed their old names straight into the gutter. So idk? Its your name to do with what you will, so I don't think you need a reason other than 'I want to' in the end.

I just...think...that changing your name should be an active 'to' thing instead of a reactive 'away' thing? Like. /ponders. Lingering trauma is a thing, and it sucks that this particular bucket of it is tied to racism. At The Same Time, I think if you do change it (instead of saying 'fuck everyone' which I am personally very fond of) then change to something that makes you happier, something that doesn't press on bruises, and something that you're pleased to share with others, yanno? The cruelties from the past are from another lifetime, and it sucks that they left their mark on you. Just...how embedded to you feel your name is into yourself and what would you gain by shedding it?