On upgrades

I have been thinking this weekend about what is within our locus of control. We often kid ourselves to think that we control a lot more than reality allows. Even our body, something we assume we have agency of, is by and large out of our control. I feel a temptation to say that we control our mind, but do we?
In ordinary situations, I think yes the mind is where we retain the most agency. After all, who is it that even asked this question. Albeit even the mind comes with its own restrictions. We don't necessarily control our innermost thoughts and subconsciousness. Not only that, this crucial piece of hardware that we rely on to experience and do almost everything hasn't had a factory upgrade at all. There are all sorts of bugs and memory leaks that have gone unpatched. And there are people in the world who are all too willing to tap into those bugs and manipulate it,
That's a silly metaphor. But I like it.
Because what I am learning is that although there are no factory upgrades, there are a ton of aftermarket patches that you can apply. Problem is, you have to identify these issues first. This is basically how 2022 has felt for me.
It has been a year of just identifying bugs and memory leaks in my system. All the while, reading firmware documentation trying to figure out what aftermarket patches work. It is such an unregulated marketplace for this kind of patch. If you need other hardware repaired there are shops you can go where they will repair it with existing materials or worst case - prosthetic replacements. But this core hardware, well there's no way to do any hardware swaps without lasting damage. You're basically left with in place upgrades.
And by in place upgrades, I mean therapy and reading books. I guess?

On relational habits

I have written about ambient habits before. However, I previously failed to think about them in our relationships. And they seem to take on a completely different identity. This is especially noticeable for me in my current changes with my family.

Part of me has effectively resigned to an estranged life. They will not change. They have said as much themselves "We're old now, we are not going to change. It is you and your brother that need to change". This has been their mantra and excuse my entire life. But until recently I did not take them at their word, why would I. I had a hope that they would change to be the ideal parents that I dreamt of (re: recovery fantasy). And thus, I continued to try to reconcile, make amends, and take accountability for non-extant faults. I think every child wants that kind of relationship. Or is it that they -need- one? Either case, it was this sliver of hope that kept me a child in their presence. Endlessly vying for their approval and validation. Running after the carrot, when the stick was all that they knew. I never fully was able to cut them off. Because of hope and habit.

Even though these were bad habits. The heated conversations, anger, and resentment were a result of me reaching out for an emotional connection. They were a product of reaching out to meet a vital need. I think that is the part that we remember. It is like junk food. You remember the craving and the delicious taste of the cheap tacos you got from a random food truck. But you are less likely to remember the night you spent in the toilet as a result of it. And the cycle repeats. But with toxic parents, you continue repeating it because at the end of the conversation you not only forget that your need was not met- you also leave feeling like it was your fault that the need was not met. The parent escapes without helping and while still retaining the shadow-image of a "caring parent"- despite not doing anything. I kept buying into that. I continued over and over again. Like the random night time tacos, I continued to reach out for another try.

But at one point, I realized it was not a conscious action. I would be walking my dogs, and blip a message deep into my mind would fire me into action : "zzzZZTttzzttzz incoming message- You should reach out to your parents again, last time your thing did not get resolved but that was probably as much your fault as it was theirs. Remember, you got angry and raised your voice. Yep, it was your fault. In fact, you should call right now and apologize and make amends. transmission over. zzztttppptZZzzz And I would have done it. We would fight. I would be angry. They would have classic rage / shame bazooka tactics. And I would be angry and resentful. Until a few weeks/months later...when the cycle repeats.

As with any habits, I think relational habits need friction to slow them down and benefit from reduced friction if you actually want to promote it. How do you create friction in these habits? Remove them from your address book so it is harder to immediately call them. Block them on social media and texting applications, so you have to manually unblock them each time you need to message them. Change the numbers in your phone to someone else's. Move. Don't pick up their calls. These all sound like they're leading into a no-contact situation. But there is another that I read about. It is called "Grey rocking". Where you diffuse all of their inquiries by just being as boring as possible. Not engaging on anything. Can I do that? For how long? At what point do I burn out.

Like my quest for minimalism (both physical and digital), I can only control my input and not the output. And as far as the inputs go, my boundaries have been set and new ideas been given to them. Who can tell what happens now. But at least for the moment, it remains a work in progress.