On depression and being thankful for bad things

What “bad” thing happened that I should be thankful for.

Isn't this a matter of perspective? You could say that you became who you are because of what happened, or that you became who you are in spite of it. There are many things that fit the latter criteria, but fewer that I can pin to the former. I have one example that I can put on both, however; my depression.

Yes, my depression.

Big scary word, and even scarier affliction. I spent most of my life being told that it wasn't a real thing and that I ought to "just stop being sad and so negative". I tried this strategy, it obviously didn't work to fix my depression. It worked wonderfully to make me fall into shame-spirals and develop severe anxiety, though. Annnnd that made me more likely to be manipulated by my parents and family, so I guess in that sense it did exactly what it intended.

But, I've worked at it since my time as a middle schooler. And whether I like it or not, it's been a salient force on how I process things. Now, I can credit it as a big reason why I diverted from traditional South Asian [SA] norms. Although it would not become clear until much much later, it started the ripple that led me to focus more on mental health. It revealed the negligence with which SA customs handled it.

These customs dictated that negative emotions ought not be displayed nor spoken of. Unbeknownst to me, this was actively cutting out my emotional range and vocabulary. And as a child, you're not adequately equipped to deal with knowing your parents do not care about your emotional well-being.

Looking back it should have been clear when my parents scoffed at my depression and asking for care. But I didn't realize it well until after my college years. Actually, even then I didn't really think it was a real thing. I took myself to therapy sessions on campus, joined group counselling, and always left feeling selfish or a bit ashamed. Like I had given up. Everyone else was being happy, why couldn't I? Afterall, I should "just stop being so negative and be happy" [Thanks_Im_fixed.jpeg]

Instead, I thought that I would bury myself in work and school. I told myself that if I accomplished enough, I would be happy. Of course, this was all rubbish (as I talked about in my last post). It took living through a 8.3 earthquake and the accompanying trauma for me to take myself to a therapist.

I had been depressed all this time, I knew. But never with suicidal ideation nor PTSD. After the earthquake, I couldn't sleep without being reminded of the dead I'd seen during the earthquake's aftermath. Guilt was a part of everything I enjoyed and did; survivor's guilt, yea? After almost a year of just muddling about, things finally got so bad that I reached out for help.

I've been seeing a therapist ever since! Probably the best decision, because it has opened up avenues for self-growth and (more importantly) happiness that I couldn't have imagined of before. Seeing a therapist has pushed me to learn about boundaries, productivity, relationship dynamics, habits, and even philosophy. Most importantly, it showed me how unhealthy my relationship with my family was, and got me to take steps to better change it.

Though, on the other hand- could this also be seen as growth in spite of the bad thing. If so, then maybe I don't have anything.