On boundaries

Lately I have been thinking about how important boundaries are. Growing up in a South Asian family, the challenges of establishing healthy boundaries are well known. Boundaries are almost non-existent and establishing any sort of boundaries to promote self-care/ self-advocacy is seen as disrespectful to your parental units.

And while that is one definition of boundaries, there is another more insidious removal of boundaries that have escaped scrutiny under a veil of positivity. It shows up as productivity. Though it can manifest as an endless quest towards parental validation or perfection; neither, unfortunately, a tenable goal. Even here, we are told not to set any boundaries because the priorities are not what benefits you as a person, but rather the goal. Parents routinely trot their children in front of the powers that be (whether it be community leaders, religious leader, or something else entirely) as a way of earning social credibility. Who the child is does not matter so much as the perceived merit the child has or holds the potential for. This sort of instrumentalization obviously damages the child's self-worth, almost reducing it to not who they are but what they can do for others.

In my own childhood, there were many attempts to find a sense of understanding and validation of worth but each attempt was met with a sense of false hope and rejection. Each attempt, eroding just a little bit more of my self worth. Yet, it wouldn't fully extinguish the quest for validation, because inevitably you would hear from another source about how pleasantly your parents talk about you and your accomplishments to you, and that they really really care. It was scraps, but it was just enough to keep you on the leash. And just like that, you find yourself trodding through the mud competing for their approval again. The dirty secret that everyone knows but doesn't speak about? It's not the parent's active malice or disinterest but the culture that encourages instrumentalization of children. Because "you shouldn't praise your kids, because they might get too confident" (and that's bad for controlling them). Though this is all based on been my one experience, I have heard similar accounts from others in like growing environments.

Even as an adult, you find yourself seeking approval for everything you do. Unable to actually stop and -enjoy- life. Any time spent not as an active pursuant feels of shame, guilt, and disgust. You can't help but find yourself thinking in terms of everything as "productive or not". If it isn't productive, you don't do it (or do it very resentfully). This could be dealt with on its own, but this constant erosion of our self worth makes it so that a realistic definition of productivity is impossible. You latch onto every goal that comes your way if it promises even the slightest chance that it'll give you what you need. But it doesn't. Each goal feels shallow and instantly replaceable the moment you meet it. Graduate college? Get a masters? Buy a house? Get married? It's never-ending. And none of them will actually make you happy or feel content, because that was never the objective.

How does this relate to boundaries? Well, lately I've been finding that this unhealthy relationship / boundary with productiviy rear its ugly face with the activities that I partake in. It makes it so they have two end results, either pushing myself past any reasonable expectation and burning out, or quitting because I can't control the pace /time that the activity requires (not getting good enough quickly enough / not making it profitable quick enough). The latter end result typically being reasoned as "Oh the got boring "

I've been focused a lot in self-improvement this year. And one of the life-altering concepts that I've encountered is radical incrementalism (I encountered this concept in Four Thousand Hours by Oliver Burkeman, but a similar framework is used to establish habits in B.J. Fogg's highly influential book Tiny Habits). This is a concept that is incompatible with a relationship with productivity that I held. The pursuit of perfectionism does not allow for minor steps or the type of incremental growth these require. These concepts require a strong boundary between yourself and the things that you do. They require redefining the objective when it comes to these goals. They both require small but sustainable steps to get to where you need to go. The type of indoctrinated perfectionism I held*thrives* on the narrative. Go big or go home, it's flashy, it's "inspirational", and if it's anything but that- it isn't worth it.

Setting boundaries with work and myself looks very alien to me in practice. Good boundaries in work look like setting a timer of 50 minutes for writing, and stopping exactly at 50 minutes- even if you feel like you can go for another half hour. Or setting a goal for 20 minutes of running and stopping it, even if you feel like you could go on for another 20. Healthy boundaries are sustainable. You don't need to go all out because there is no one to impress. There is no one to seek approval from.