Happy new year
Jan. 1st, 2024 11:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
anecdataIs it really a new year? I cannot believe it.
A lot of things happened last year, and I grew from them- greatly.
And yet, I know I also left more than a dozen others incomplete.
There is still a part of my mind that does not accept the limits reality places. Somewhere, there is the perfect tool that will allow me to do everything uncompromising, I learned last year, that this way of thinking was a defense mechanism. Or rather, it stemmed from an insecure attachment at a young age. A fruitless chase towards perfection makes sense, if one’s word view is modeled with the core belief that he is unlovable and must comply with others’ needs and expectations to be accepted.
In such a world view, a child’s strive towards anything less than perfect is a survival threat.
I have learned much by reading Dr. Becky Kennedy’s book Good Inside. Although presented as a parenting book for parents, it has given me a glimpse of what could have been improved in my own. Furthermore, it is an excellent primer on interacting with others’. Much of what she says on communication with children applies to adults.
I read most of this book while I was in my trip last week to the grand canyon. It is not comfortable to read on the plane. I had hoped to do so. I read manga instead. There’s a part of me that considers this a waste of time. However, I notice more that the voice saying that is not my own. After all, I don’t think it is a waste of time (otherwise why would I do it?). It has value to me. It entertained me during a flight in which I could little else.
But someone’s voice slips in. The “people pleasing” voice. What will others say? Surely, they will think that reading manga/ graphic novels is inferior to reading books, right? That is the preconception. I might be wrong. But this persistent need to do the “right thing” and complete things. This nagging perfectionism is rooted in this insecurity.
I met with a friend today for coffee. It was a great way to start the new year. Though we have seen each other for other events, it had been some time since we had coffee together. I call it that, although I do most of the coffee drinking. We spoke in great lengths about how this behavior takes different forms in our lives.
The problem with all of these issues is that we cannot deal with it unless it is named or otherwise identified. That takes time, curiosity, and perhaps paramount - community. On our own, it is damning to do so. More so, when we have grown up in an environment lacking life validation and empathy. We grow to doubt our experiences. The phrase safe space has become vogue, for good reason. As the internet connected more of us, we grew distance and away from those traditional communities often forged in industry, locality, or lineage. It is not clear to me that a space where one was able to be vulnerable existed there, but its need was noticed and now we have a term for it. I may have exaggerated the importance of it, but having a person (or more) that you can freely communicate with without worry and one you can expect to mirror, validate, or otherwise show understanding is perhaps the biggest help in identifying and resolving these issues. Simply put, we want people who are willing to, borrowing Dr. Kennedy’s terms, give us the MGE (most generous explanations) and not resort to the LGE (least generous explanations) .
A lot of things happened last year, and I grew from them- greatly.
And yet, I know I also left more than a dozen others incomplete.
There is still a part of my mind that does not accept the limits reality places. Somewhere, there is the perfect tool that will allow me to do everything uncompromising, I learned last year, that this way of thinking was a defense mechanism. Or rather, it stemmed from an insecure attachment at a young age. A fruitless chase towards perfection makes sense, if one’s word view is modeled with the core belief that he is unlovable and must comply with others’ needs and expectations to be accepted.
In such a world view, a child’s strive towards anything less than perfect is a survival threat.
I have learned much by reading Dr. Becky Kennedy’s book Good Inside. Although presented as a parenting book for parents, it has given me a glimpse of what could have been improved in my own. Furthermore, it is an excellent primer on interacting with others’. Much of what she says on communication with children applies to adults.
I read most of this book while I was in my trip last week to the grand canyon. It is not comfortable to read on the plane. I had hoped to do so. I read manga instead. There’s a part of me that considers this a waste of time. However, I notice more that the voice saying that is not my own. After all, I don’t think it is a waste of time (otherwise why would I do it?). It has value to me. It entertained me during a flight in which I could little else.
But someone’s voice slips in. The “people pleasing” voice. What will others say? Surely, they will think that reading manga/ graphic novels is inferior to reading books, right? That is the preconception. I might be wrong. But this persistent need to do the “right thing” and complete things. This nagging perfectionism is rooted in this insecurity.
I met with a friend today for coffee. It was a great way to start the new year. Though we have seen each other for other events, it had been some time since we had coffee together. I call it that, although I do most of the coffee drinking. We spoke in great lengths about how this behavior takes different forms in our lives.
The problem with all of these issues is that we cannot deal with it unless it is named or otherwise identified. That takes time, curiosity, and perhaps paramount - community. On our own, it is damning to do so. More so, when we have grown up in an environment lacking life validation and empathy. We grow to doubt our experiences. The phrase safe space has become vogue, for good reason. As the internet connected more of us, we grew distance and away from those traditional communities often forged in industry, locality, or lineage. It is not clear to me that a space where one was able to be vulnerable existed there, but its need was noticed and now we have a term for it. I may have exaggerated the importance of it, but having a person (or more) that you can freely communicate with without worry and one you can expect to mirror, validate, or otherwise show understanding is perhaps the biggest help in identifying and resolving these issues. Simply put, we want people who are willing to, borrowing Dr. Kennedy’s terms, give us the MGE (most generous explanations) and not resort to the LGE (least generous explanations) .
no subject
Date: 2024-01-03 05:33 am (UTC)