Three very small thoughts touching gently on a very big concept, but first I'm so glad you're sorting this stuff out. I'm so sorry it sucks to do. T_T
} Definitions of Respect... was the first thing that came to mind, b/c it's the shortest and most concise way I've ever seen to illustrate how expecting respect vs earning respect seems to work in a lot of unbalanced relationships.
And, idk. As soon as you figure out you can say no and just...walk away and the world won't end, you take away a huge chunk of their power over you. I think...that's the big thing? Your world won't end. You'll keep going. But the world will be different and take a different shape.
Oh, but. You will have to grieve, though, because you're closing the door on a possible future. That's a thing. That fantasy future that you're low-key planning for in your head? Yeah. When you take that apart, you're going to grieve it. It's lost forever, and like...okay, dude. I don't even like to scrape stickers off of things because it's an irreversible loss. I will mourn a sticker. An entire future? I think that deserves at least a bucket of ice cream and a good solid cry. It's the death of a person you could have been and will no longer be, because of a choice you made. Take the time to lay that future to rest. It doesn't matter if it's a fantasy, or that it needs to be taken apart and will be better for you in the long run, it's still a loss.
(Moving out of state, for me, made me grieve for months. A different loss. A different future whose door I closed. It still took time.)
} Your comment on you being complicit in a miserable dinner party (?) because you begged your spouse to come immediately struck me as very dissonant. Because no???? Your spouse is your partner. A partner is there to help support you through bullshit events like this. They're your pocket safety bubble and you're theirs. That's the whole point of partners. "Please come with me, it's going to be miserable," is something the boyo and I tell each other all the time, because that's what we agreed upon when we decided we were in this together. I don't think complicit has anything to do with it.
} This is more musing, and not...necessarily helpful. But I wasn't introduced to filial piety as a concept until very recently, so it's hard to wrap my head around. And it just makes me wonder? I'm 500% certain that you are not the first person to grapple with what filial piety means when the family demanding of you is taking pieces of you when it does. Just. I feel like there must be books that come at the idea from a similar angle, you know? Maybe those would be useful? I was just getting a vibe that your therapist is both 1) correct (!!!) and also 2) possibly missing a piece of the puzzle that might help you.
Tangential to that: in relationships where the dynamics are heavily skewed toward one party, it's supposed to kick in the great-power-great-responsibility clause. The more power you have, the greater responsibility you have for those beneath your care. Someone can't hold your heart without the trust they'll keep it safe. If you can't trust that, then they don't get your heart. End of. This is true with literally any imbalanced dynamic if you want it to be healthy and sustainable. I can't think of one where it's not. It just REALLY sucks when the person is family and they're supposed to be helping you grow and thrive and they're focused on what they can make you do and not the responsibility they have to you. B/c yeah. They DID bring you into this world and that's the contract THEY signed, because you have zero power when you're born so that means they have just heaping truckloads of responsibility to make sure you're happy and okay. If they're keeping the power, they're keeping the responsibility. They don't get to have one without the other. (And I will rant on all day about this because I have a lot of very firm opinions about power dynamics in all relationships.)
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2022-12-18 08:37 pm (UTC)} Definitions of Respect... was the first thing that came to mind, b/c it's the shortest and most concise way I've ever seen to illustrate how expecting respect vs earning respect seems to work in a lot of unbalanced relationships.
And, idk. As soon as you figure out you can say no and just...walk away and the world won't end, you take away a huge chunk of their power over you. I think...that's the big thing? Your world won't end. You'll keep going. But the world will be different and take a different shape.
Oh, but. You will have to grieve, though, because you're closing the door on a possible future. That's a thing. That fantasy future that you're low-key planning for in your head? Yeah. When you take that apart, you're going to grieve it. It's lost forever, and like...okay, dude. I don't even like to scrape stickers off of things because it's an irreversible loss. I will mourn a sticker. An entire future? I think that deserves at least a bucket of ice cream and a good solid cry. It's the death of a person you could have been and will no longer be, because of a choice you made. Take the time to lay that future to rest. It doesn't matter if it's a fantasy, or that it needs to be taken apart and will be better for you in the long run, it's still a loss.
(Moving out of state, for me, made me grieve for months. A different loss. A different future whose door I closed. It still took time.)
} Your comment on you being complicit in a miserable dinner party (?) because you begged your spouse to come immediately struck me as very dissonant. Because no???? Your spouse is your partner. A partner is there to help support you through bullshit events like this. They're your pocket safety bubble and you're theirs. That's the whole point of partners. "Please come with me, it's going to be miserable," is something the boyo and I tell each other all the time, because that's what we agreed upon when we decided we were in this together. I don't think complicit has anything to do with it.
} This is more musing, and not...necessarily helpful. But I wasn't introduced to filial piety as a concept until very recently, so it's hard to wrap my head around. And it just makes me wonder? I'm 500% certain that you are not the first person to grapple with what filial piety means when the family demanding of you is taking pieces of you when it does. Just. I feel like there must be books that come at the idea from a similar angle, you know? Maybe those would be useful? I was just getting a vibe that your therapist is both 1) correct (!!!) and also 2) possibly missing a piece of the puzzle that might help you.
Tangential to that: in relationships where the dynamics are heavily skewed toward one party, it's supposed to kick in the great-power-great-responsibility clause. The more power you have, the greater responsibility you have for those beneath your care. Someone can't hold your heart without the trust they'll keep it safe. If you can't trust that, then they don't get your heart. End of. This is true with literally any imbalanced dynamic if you want it to be healthy and sustainable. I can't think of one where it's not. It just REALLY sucks when the person is family and they're supposed to be helping you grow and thrive and they're focused on what they can make you do and not the responsibility they have to you. B/c yeah. They DID bring you into this world and that's the contract THEY signed, because you have zero power when you're born so that means they have just heaping truckloads of responsibility to make sure you're happy and okay. If they're keeping the power, they're keeping the responsibility. They don't get to have one without the other. (And I will rant on all day about this because I have a lot of very firm opinions about power dynamics in all relationships.)
...yes. Three small comments. Ahem. XD