on future

I finally finished reading the book by Karen Horney. Yes, I am still talking about "Neurosis and Human Growth". This might be the book that challenged me the most this year. It is also the book that forced me to face my compulsiveness. Which, in effect, made my reading even slower.

I do not think it was undeserved. This book took the time it needed. Because, I needed the time to process the book as well. It is not a book that I could have sped-read.

Horney showed me that while I have a lot to change, I should not discredit the change I have made so far. My refusal to acknowledge my own growth served me because acknowledging the growth would make real the conflict and issues underneath. If I ignored the victories, I could also ignore the war. And so I did. For years.

Perhaps this book is sort of a future-sight for what my therapy might have looked like. Because certain parts were reminiscent of my own sessions. However, this gave me insights that I was unwilling to listen to from my therapist. The level of detail and possibility for slower comprehension makes books a much better vehicle than conversation. Especially since the book is not bound to an arbitrary hour limit. This book basically embodied a therapist that I walked around with all day. It was excellent.

Of course I also relied on my therapist. But being able to tackle a few issues on my own brought back a feeling of agency. Or maybe it is confidence? But I feel happy because I can see a future where I do not need to lean on my therapy sessions. It is not in the near future. But it is no longer unfathomable.