On the godself 2

Continuing my read of Neurosis and Human Growth. I continue to be surprised at each revelation. It does feel like looking at my idiosyncracies through a microscope. I knew I was neurotic in some of the things I did, but never to this extent. There are levels of self-hate and self-belittling that I took as part of my personality or under the guise of discipline.

One such that the author mentions is how we can respond if by some chance we actually accomplish something. Even though the job may be well done, a beaten down psyche would respond "well, anyone could do this with enough time spent in it". The comment does two things: 1. It discredits any sense of accomplishment; 2. It belittles the self because anyone could do it, so why did it take you xyz (time/effort/anything else). Of course, this is not separate from the continued stream of comparisons with the unachievable godself. Now, if one manages to attempt something and fails? Well, the self-hating latches on with full contemptous comments; comments that vastly exaggerate the level of failure and its effects on your life.

This is all too familiar. I remember the night I finally got my Masters degree. My (now) wife wanted to celebrate, but my first response was exactly that "anyone could do this if they just put the time, in fact I didn't even graduate summa cum laude". Wow. The realization that I have done this to myself in every single achievement in my life gave me whiplash. Not to mention how I made other people feel when they just wanted to celebrate together with me. Of course blaming myself on this is not the way. This will just lead me into a viscious cycle of self-hate and neglect.

The question now, is how do I move forward? What do I do differently once I notice myself comparing to the godself. The obvious answer is to stop and assess what I am doing and why I am doing it. This is easier said than done.
There must be techniques that will let me combat this.

The obvious one is to write things down. Even as a retrospective and think about how you would do things different. Really think about it. Writing things down seems to work as a good way to cut off the intellectualizing and cyclical thinking. Also, it helps in preventing massive leaps in logic. I.e. I ordered a pastry but my wife didn't want one, therefore I'm a terrible selfish person- the absolute scum of the earth. Well, in my mind-space this jump makes sense. Of course it does, because it confirms that I am nowhere near the godself (for, he would never need a pastry, and should he buy one- everyone else around him would also as well???) Does not hold up when I write it down. Somtimes (often), a pastry is just a pastry.

This really brings to light this comparative dynamic with the godself. It is a dumb conversation that has been going on in my head for so long that I am not sure when it started. But reading that this conversation existed was a very insightful take from the book. The conversation exists, but the voice belonging to my realself (rooted in reality) has been squelched. To the point that I am not entirely aware of what that voice is saying. This was scary.

So many things were done because it was expected. Done out of pride or a need to prevent shame. It goes without saying that a cause for the shame is this comparative relationship. Because there is no winning a comparison with the godself. Without realizing it, I was doing, feeling, acting how I thought I 'should' be. I was being something/ someone I 'should' be. Different shoulds for different people. It was terribly effective, because I convinced myself that this was me. Perhaps somewhere inbetween all the acts there were crevices where aspects of realme leaked out. But I cannot say.

Letting go of this comparative relationship and starting non-compliance with these shoulds is exhilirating. But it is at the same time terrifying. Who am I? What if I don't like who I am? These are fears that arise when I start thinking of it. But these fears only hold water if I ignore the agency and accountability I have in designing my own life. That is exactly where neurotic-hate leads to as well. You find yourself pushed around by external forces (shame/pride) like a sealed bottle tossed around in a storm.

This may not be the most coherent of posts. But I am saving it anyway. May this be a small act of non-compliance to the godself in a line of many to come.