On the godself

Today was a good day. The first day since my surgery that was almost pain free. Healing in progress.

I started my second job in earnest last week. It may turn into an enventual full time position doing data and assesment work. Current assignments, however, are all summary statistics and visualization work. I have no complaints! I am very excited at the prospect of working with my old team in this new dynamic. They used to be an excel house, but it looks like in the time that I've been away they moved towards Tableau. How fun!

It was still a very packed day. I think I am slowly becoming a better architect for my own life. While recovering from the surgery, I worked my way through the first 10 chapters of Automate the Boring Things with Python (available online for free). It seemed weird, but fully engaging with the material really pulled me away from the pain. Of course my brain can't be so focused on the material all the time. That would be unrealistic to expect of myself in the best times, much less whilst in recovery. (I think that's a problematic trend in my life). But I am so happy that I kept at it. Lots of concepts that seemed unfathomable to me now make sense. I want to say that I was able to brute force through it, but it has just taken the time it takes. This concept is hard to come to terms with. Because I want to do so much.

But I think that is only because the version of myself that I compare myself to is superhuman. I am learning about myself from the Neurosis and Human Growth many things that strike at my soul with anxiety. None more than this. The book mentions neurotic-pride and self-hate. Two concepts that I did not know of, but of which I am intimate with. Whether there is such a thing as healthy pride is another topic, but the book contends that the main difference between healthy and neurotic-pride exists in reality. Neurotic-pride comes from the things that can be done in fantasy. Which, naturally, means everything is possible. This brings this sort of goal-post chasing that is impossible for mortals. The neurotic compares with himself everything he is and does. And always falls short. This leads to the self-hate. You mete insults and shame on yourself because of fantasy standards you can never meet. And you hate yourself all the more, because you tell yourself that you ought not be affected by the meted "justice". The neurotic-pride has convinced you in some twisted way that this is all that you deserve. It's really viscious. Because the warped pride exists not in what you do, but what ought to be. And you always 'ought to be different'.

I am all too familiar with this twofold shame this brings. It was not until I read this chapter that it really hit me that this comparison with the idealized self has been the consistent backdrop of my life. How awful. Because under this backdrop everything is poisoned. All the times my friends and family told me that I was capable, competent, and likeable came to my ears as sarcastic comments; why would they not have been in earnest? I look back at all the times I reacted harshly to an innocous comment, because it appeared so frightfully different over that backdrop. Because there was no way someone else could know what I -could- be, nay, should be. It was never clear to me that we were walking through life with entirely different definitions of pride and belonging. Neurotic pride hurts, because it can only ever come from outside. You're always performing or underperforming because you really believe that without external validation, you are nothing. I admit, this is probably something everyone has to unlearn. But, most learn it at a much earlier age (and often without counseling).

It also made it hard to believe in myself to do anything well. Anything I am doing, this idealized god-self would have done it and better. If, against all odds, I complete the task at hand; the idealized god-self would have done something else more worthy. I was unable to put my frustrations in words in any of my previous counseling sessions. But I think I can now. It is frustation at my own mortality when seen from the lens of my neurotic-pride. A mortal cannot compete with this idealized-god self. And comparing to the god self will always be a letdown.

I think, that is why it has been so hard for me to do things. Because anything I start, the god self has already completed it and mastered. I get impatient, and frustrated because unlike the god self, I have mortal limits. I need to traverse each grain of the sands of time. There are no shortcuts. It certainly explains the appeal of finding 'the perfect tool' or 'technique' or 'book' that will shorten my journey there. They let you remain under the spell that since you haven't started, once you start with these shortcuts, you will jump quickly to where the godself is. But that day never comes.

What do I do about this now? Now that I recognize this insidiousness within me. Shaking off the 'Tyranny of Shoulds' is the first and foremost goal. This is how the godself thrives. It is the proprietor of shoulds- afterall that's what neurotic-pride is. A pride of the shoulds and coulds.

At this moment, I think all I can really do is notice the tyrannical thoughts. I can observe them and work my way backwards. I can do things for their intrinsic values and let them take the time they take. I need to recognize when I get impatient, I am impatient for the future that has not existed yet. But I cannot rush myself there. In fact, rushing may mean that I never get there.

In a last bit of good news, I went thrifting with my wife. I was able to score a pair of almost-new Bose QuietComforts for 15 bucks! What a deal!