On pain killers

I have not written in a while because of a surgery last Wednesday. As with any surgery dealing with the lower body, it brings discomfort to talk about. I am not sure why, but it stinks of embarrassment and shame. Even though it is not. The whole prostate/colon/lower body stuff is a bit of a sensitive area. But the kidney is there too, and I have no issue talking about that.

In any case I am recovering from the surgery. Today is the first day without any pain medicines or narcotics. This was a lot harder than I thought it would be. Yet, I am hesitant to use the pain medicine too often, because I am too familiar with the addictive nature of narcotics. Maybe because I know a bit of how it is to be addicted that I am hyper-vigilant about it. Even though I have been allowed a certain dosage, I have been occupying myself in other ways to not take pain medicine.

It does not always work, but keeping my mind fully engaged in something else has helped. The pain does not disappear, but it becomes a little easier to manage. For the most part, I have either been trying to read "Human Neurosis and Growth" and program in python. I would say for a pain-stricken mind, I have actually done a considerable amount of python coding. If I could quantify it, I would do so here. Reading the book, is however, much more difficult. Not only is the content very dense, it also feels very pointed at me. Pointed...in ways that make me pause and rub my temple in frustration. Because...ah

Take this exerpt for example, in the chapter about neurotic pride :

"The neurotic may build an elaborate system of avoidances in the hope of circumventing future hurts. This too is a process that goes on automatically. He is not aware of wanting to avoid an activity because it might hurt his pride. He just avoids it, often without even being aware that he is. The process pertains to activities, to associations with people, and it may put a check on realistic strivings and efforts. If it is widespread it can actually cripple a person's life. He does not embark on any serious pursuits commensurate with his gifts lest he fail to be a brilliant success. He would like to write or to paint and does not dare to start. He does not dare to approach girls lest they reject him. He may not even dare to travel lest he be awkward with hotel managers or porters. Or he may go only to places where he is well known since he would feel like a nonentity with strangers. He withdraws from social contacts lest he be self-conscious. So, according to his economic status, he either does nothing worth while or sticks to a mediocre job and restricts his expenses rigidly. In more than one way he lives beneath his means. In the long run this makes it necessary for him to withdraw farther from others, because he cannot face the fact of lagging behind his age group and therefore shuns comparisons or questions from anybody about his work. In order to endure life he must now entrench himself more firmly in his private fantasy-world. But, since all these measures are more a camouflage than a remedy for his pride, he may start to cultivate his neuroses because the neurosis with a capital N then becomes a precious alibi for the lack of accomplishment"

This felt like a documentary narration of things that I have done (or not done) to preserve some inner-pride. And reading this chapter gave me a lot of pause. Because it depicts so well the troubles that I went through in therapy. I have written many times before about the "hobby-lite" and I feel like this encapsulates that idea. Neurotic pride just lets you get close enough to peer at the hobby without actually taking part in it. I want to think that I have grown beyond this. Because I now chose which activities I want to pursue and which I drop (see earlier thoughts on needle felting). But I have to ask myself what other aspects of my life I am blind to this. Because it took me so much work to recognize this behaviour in me when it comes to these very specific areas. Where else is neurotic pride lurking?

And that is just from one chapter. The follow up to that chapter is 'Neurotic hate', which seems lovely. Because I am only 2 pages into it, and I feel like I highlighted entire pages. I still do not know what to do with these highlights.