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on conversations
Jan. 7th, 2023 11:01 amHow do you have important (crucial) conversations with people? It is like the social hack where you explicitly ask someone whether they want to be friends. It feels like you shouldn't be able to do it. It is much too simple. You cannot just -ask- that. But, why not? Why do we insist on making things more complicated? If you need to have a crucial conversation, why can it not be as simple as asking for some time from that person to discuss things.
I am having a lot of these conversations in my mind lately. These thoughts have been growing in me, but have not yet ripened to the point of sharing. Many will never ripen or fall off the branches. They become unimportant (or you resolve them within yourself). But the few that do make it out, they have a lot of power - I think.
I am talking, of course, in the context of family. Since that is what has occupied me these past months. But it need not be that.
It is important to remember, that in any of these conversations where your power ends. You can't force the other folks to change. In fact, if that is your measure of success, you are more than likely to come out of the conversation feeling defeated. As I've learned repeatedly in 2022, you cannot control the output, only the input. In this case, you can't control how they react, only what you say and how you react.
It is also important to remember that these conversations aren't because you've drank from a hypothetical fountain of revelations or otherwise transformative experience. It is about who you are. You are merely sharing something about yourself that you were not aware of. Sharing facts. But it is really easy for the ego to feel like this is the right move. That you are somehow in a position of power and that this conversation is going to be transformative. The ego loves this sense of power. This illusory rush. But we do not have these conversations because we are in a position of power. Often, we have these important conversations in a place of vulnerability or of need. Seems like a dangerous trap to fall into.
I am having a lot of these conversations in my mind lately. These thoughts have been growing in me, but have not yet ripened to the point of sharing. Many will never ripen or fall off the branches. They become unimportant (or you resolve them within yourself). But the few that do make it out, they have a lot of power - I think.
I am talking, of course, in the context of family. Since that is what has occupied me these past months. But it need not be that.
It is important to remember, that in any of these conversations where your power ends. You can't force the other folks to change. In fact, if that is your measure of success, you are more than likely to come out of the conversation feeling defeated. As I've learned repeatedly in 2022, you cannot control the output, only the input. In this case, you can't control how they react, only what you say and how you react.
It is also important to remember that these conversations aren't because you've drank from a hypothetical fountain of revelations or otherwise transformative experience. It is about who you are. You are merely sharing something about yourself that you were not aware of. Sharing facts. But it is really easy for the ego to feel like this is the right move. That you are somehow in a position of power and that this conversation is going to be transformative. The ego loves this sense of power. This illusory rush. But we do not have these conversations because we are in a position of power. Often, we have these important conversations in a place of vulnerability or of need. Seems like a dangerous trap to fall into.
