On change and rain

This year has been marked with change. That was my intention when I started. So the change that occurred in me should not have been a surprise. But it was. It was jarring to sit with my historically unkind notions of myself and the new thoughts.

This cognitive dissonance was almost too much to bear. I began slipping. And it has been a few weeks of wondering why I was changing things. I still don't really know. Part of it is that I have struggled with the changing self. I assumed things would be different. That at the end of the changes, I would be happy. Of course only one thing lies in the end of the changes. As Alison Bechdel says in her book The Secret To Superhuman Strength

The thing about changing your life is that change means moving on. And Moving on leads essentially to one place - - the grave. (P.163)

I think I had recently finished her new book when it hit. Suddenly, none of these changes mattered. At least that's what it felt like. I knew feelings are not to be trusted. This is one of the first things you learn as you battle depression. Depression foments dangerous and unpleasant feelings, giving little regard to rational thought. Yet, changing is had. Even without considering the dissonance, it is laborious. And in such a taxed moment, it's easy to forget to check what's real and what're just feelings.

Before I knew it, I had reverted in a few of the habits. Not even doing the bare minimum to maintain them. Although I say "before I knew it", I was lucid the entire time. The habits didn't stop without my knowledge. It wasn't sudden - but it felt like it. I was miserable at the broken habits. But I was comfortably miserable. The dissonance was gone. It didn't feel great. But that was par for the course for my unkind mind. My days were terrible and it was the most comfortable I had been all year. Hilarious.

Comfort is one of nature's most sadistic jokes.

Thankfully, when I got out of the mists of depression- it wasn't too far gone. I've now resumed most of the habits. It has been important to remind myself that there are no judges. No one is giving out points for how perfect my habits are. No one cares. There won't be a straight line to a better me. There certainly won't be a direct path to a happier one.

At some point I have to come to terms with who I am. I can't will away depression any more than I can will away my kidney disease. It exists as an inseparable part of me. Of course it would be fantastic if these things disappeared. For most of my life I have daydreamed of days without either. How nice it would have been to not have to deal with dialysis or medications. It was easy to envy others' lives because I hadn't accepted mine own. I always thought these dreams of better days were being hopeful. It doesn't feel that way anymore. They were an exercise in escapism. As if avoiding these issues would make it go away. The misery came from the rejection of my own life and the immense desire to be in anothers'.

The envy blinded me to the things I have now. I wanted sunnier days in the future, so I ignored the present. Yes, there would be rainy and thunderous days in the future- but also days of sun. Preoccupied with wishing away rainy days, I ignored the sunny days I had now. I'd forgotten the great piece of wisdom I gleamed from Paul Kalanithi's book When Breath Becomes Air that "even if I'm dying, until I actually die, I am still living."

I try to remember that now. But I acknowledge that I need plans to deal with my depression when it , inevitably, strikes again. I know now to carry an umbrella than waste my time, drenched, wishing away the rain.