On nature and expectations

I've been thinking about expectations lately. It's a byproduct of reading some stoic literature, no doubt. But it makes me wonder how much unhappiness arises because we refuse reality. The stoics often talked of nature as this immutable force. Some of the stoics approached nature as if it were the divine. Should you believe in that sort of thing. On Breakfast with Seneca, David R. Fideler states that stoic mentions of god ought could be replaced with nature. I have come to like that understanding of the divine. It should come as no surprise that I am an atheist. Yet, the conception of nature as divine is poetic. It definitely pulls at some feelings I feel whilst deep in the woods. Or the inexplicable sensation I feel when I look at the valley below from a cliff.
But I digress, this is not what I want to write about today.

When we mention nature, we often talk as if we are outside of it. Yet, we are not. Thinking of ourselves as outside of nature feels comforting. Perhaps it makes us feel as though we've transcended it. No longer bound by the cycles of death and life. It makes us feel as if we have more control. And in a world where nothing exists for a reason, why shouldn't we? So as far as we know, we are unique in the universe. In the midst of all that chaos, having "control" is a candle in the dark. It feels good.

But we assume control in many which we have none. One of these being other people. We hold high expectations and are dismayed when they are unmet. Bitter and frustrated, we think "they ought to have behaved differently". We anger when our loved ones don't ask us what we want to be asked. And we resent them in their asbsent apologies. Never realizing that, all the while, these emotions churn entirely within us. Not always, but often they are of our own making.

We wish changes in a person's nature to better suit our own. Much in the same way we wish for rain during a draught.

I noticed this in me as I grew up. First with my family.
Conversations grew frustrating. They were content gossiping and talking about other people. But I wanted to talk about ideas - deeper topics. Who cares what celebrity is cheating on another? Or that a third cousin once removed is getting married? There were other families who conversed deeply. I'd seen them. Why wasn't mine? If only there was something I could do here. When going against nature, I always find that statement. If only there was something I could do. So I did. I recommended books by the dozen. I attempted to watch documentaries with them. Lets do a book read together, I'd say. Infrequent, but sometimes we'd read. But, begrudgingly. It never lasted. I tried and I tried. But to no avail. I had failed. Or so, I thought.

As I recall these failures, I see myself trying in earnest. Yet, them never reciprocrating. How come? I went into throes of anger and denial. How terrible of them to ignore my sincere wishes to be closer! Egads! (I never say this, but bear with me) It would be many years until I realized that they had never been dishonest. Or "terrible". They were very transparent about their nature. Their nature was not to discuss deeper topics with their family. Perhaps they were equally frustrated in their inability to control my nature. My nature to not engage in idle gossip. My nature to be interested in the esoteric and not at all in politics - as they had wished.

Of course, this doesn't excuse any abuse or ill-natured behaviour. But it does bring clarity to the handling of them. We can weather nature, but we cannot change it. At least not drastically or immediately. Perhaps a slow but consistent chipping away at it. Or the redirection of it by way of boundaries - akin to a dam in a great river.

We have many friends that say "we should meet sometime!" when you run into them, or family members that say "Oh, I was -just- thinking about you!" when you call. But see what they do. Put more weight to their actions. It is not that they are being dishonest with their words. At the time they say it - they may truly want to do what it is they say. But their nature is revealed in the following actions. And that is something you can trust. It can be difficult, yes. It could shatter your views on certain folks. Those that bark loudly about causes, may never act. Others, you hold as closest companions, may in fact not reciprocate. You may become privy to dynamics in relationships, you'd taken for granted.

Language is fantastic, and as a tool invaluable. But sometimes our words betray our nature. We want one thing, but say the other. But our actions do not lie. I have noticed this. If you're judging character, observe not what they say but what they do.