A lot of this is noodling around idea-wise, as a disclaimer...
I was just thinking, that as much as there is this tangle of 'they don't really love me bc I don't deserve it' and so you don't...invest, I wouldn't say that you can't love others, tbh. Because I've also seen people love SO HARD outward toward others because that's the only direction they can point any of the love inside of them. Damage means you have to adapt, and if outward is the only direction that love can go, then maybe that's where it'll show up first. If you can use your compassion for others to find compassion for yourself, I think that there's honestly no reason why you shouldn't try that? There's no Order of Operations you have to follow. If it works it works. All the interactions/relationships can and will deepen over time as they get fed and enriched, but that doesn't mean the connections aren't already there or already surprisingly solid.
But. Hrm. If you need babysteps towards feeling vaguely positive about yourself (not even love! maybe eventually love, but you gotta start somewhere), maybe just...trust the people YOU love and are friends with? Start there? Though. Hrm.
Hrm.
Idk, I'm just looking at it from the PoV of The Friend (in all my general experiences) where it usually ends up me holding the bag going, "You're not as good at hiding yourself as you think you are, I swear to fuck," and "I like you anyways, you do know that right? I PROMISE," and "Trust me to hold this care and affection for you until you're ready to hold it yourself," and "I'll believe it while you cannot, don't worry. I'll remain steadfast until you can believe it too."
So. Just. Like. This is a deeply personal journey for you, I know. From the outside looking in, though, the KINDS of leaning on your friends for it can be as simple as saying 'hold this (love, care, like, affection for me) until I get back, okay?' and I honestly don't know many people who consider themselves friends who wouldn't be willing to do that.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2023-04-07 10:40 pm (UTC)I was just thinking, that as much as there is this tangle of 'they don't really love me bc I don't deserve it' and so you don't...invest, I wouldn't say that you can't love others, tbh. Because I've also seen people love SO HARD outward toward others because that's the only direction they can point any of the love inside of them. Damage means you have to adapt, and if outward is the only direction that love can go, then maybe that's where it'll show up first. If you can use your compassion for others to find compassion for yourself, I think that there's honestly no reason why you shouldn't try that? There's no Order of Operations you have to follow. If it works it works. All the interactions/relationships can and will deepen over time as they get fed and enriched, but that doesn't mean the connections aren't already there or already surprisingly solid.
But. Hrm. If you need babysteps towards feeling vaguely positive about yourself (not even love! maybe eventually love, but you gotta start somewhere), maybe just...trust the people YOU love and are friends with? Start there? Though. Hrm.
Hrm.
Idk, I'm just looking at it from the PoV of The Friend (in all my general experiences) where it usually ends up me holding the bag going, "You're not as good at hiding yourself as you think you are, I swear to fuck," and "I like you anyways, you do know that right? I PROMISE," and "Trust me to hold this care and affection for you until you're ready to hold it yourself," and "I'll believe it while you cannot, don't worry. I'll remain steadfast until you can believe it too."
So. Just. Like. This is a deeply personal journey for you, I know. From the outside looking in, though, the KINDS of leaning on your friends for it can be as simple as saying 'hold this (love, care, like, affection for me) until I get back, okay?' and I honestly don't know many people who consider themselves friends who wouldn't be willing to do that.