On directness and confidence

[anecdata]

A few weeks ago I wrote about shortcuts. For example, whether making friends could really be as easy as asking "Do you want to be friends?". I mentioned this to my brother the other day. His immediate response was "wow that's so childish! What? Are you in the fifth grade?" However, to be fair, that was my response the first time I heard someone do it too. I have since started employing this myself.

We tend to look at childish behaviours as inferior. But there an sublime confidence that this statement expresses. It is acknowledging your need and taking the most direct route to meeting it. We, as adults, have our minds littered with imagined rules and conventions. It feels like cheating.

I think part of the reason why I had such a hard time being so direct is because I was taught a false dichotomy. That, if I was having my needs met, it meant that someone else would not be getting theirs met. It was black and white. That is not the case. However, if you are raised in an emotionally unavailable family system, you develop a scarcity mentality. Because your needs are not reliably met, you believe that there is not enough to go around. In certain families (like mine) this mentality is deepened by a consistent reemphasizing that your needs are secondary. In my case, to my parents' needs. This was a perverse realization. Because, even when things were being done for me - it was really being done with my parents' needs prioritized. There is a word in Nepali called "ijjat", roughly translated to either prestige/honor. But the caveat is that you cannot acquire it, you can only stand to lose it. This term dictated actions and my parents were consumed by its concept. The defining question that motivated them was "What will other people say?". Of course, this kind of mentality leads the way towards a very enmeshed life. But that is a different topic branch. This sounds a bit ungrateful. But if we look things from this lens, it seems like need fulfillment was secondary to this prestige. It explains why they were OK beating their kids; so as long others' did not hear about it. It explains why they placed the utmost importance to family secrecy; "Don't share your family -business- with others". It also explains why they feel that boundaries and respect in the family only need to work in one direction.

But back to the scarcity mentality. This sporadic response to your needs leads a child to come to flawed conclusions. Your needs will be met, if you do certain actions; albeit not consistently. Not only does this erode one's self worth, it is likely how we find ourselves as emotional buskers.

This false dichotomy does not exist in children at a young age. And, incidentally, does not exist in folks who are well adjusted. It is possible to look after your needs and still be there for others' as well. At first brush with this concept, I thought I was insane. How had something so simple eluded me. Well, I know now.

But it is still an upward battle in implementing this. It requires unlearning years of these crazymaking rules.

I feel a lot of guilt when I prioritize myself. My tendency to people-please often comes at a cost to what I want. And even in situations when I am happy to help, resentment looms when it is not of my own choosing. Sometimes it feels unfair to not be able to say no. That feeling of unfairness grows the resentment tenfold.

I now readily acknowledge that these boundaries I am learning are not punishment for others. No, they are actually for my safety and sanity. I also understand why they trigger my shame/guilt response so hard. Because they are unilaterally for me.

I think that is why I respect that direct attitude towards needs-fulfillment. I now recognize how important it is (and how hard it could be to do). Perhaps it is not hard for folks who have had it modeled for them at a young age. But I also recognize it in people who I know did not have it modeled to them. I am in awe of their inner growth and transformation; to see them at a place where they can value themself so firmly.

I think this kind of confidence also becomes sort of a foundation in rebuilding your own self-worth. It feels like that to me. When you start prioritizing yourself, you start believing that you have value. I am not sure which comes first. But in my personal experience, it seems to work in tandem. The more I prioritize my own needs, the less I feel like a garbage human devoid of value. And the less I feel like a garbage human, the more I find it acceptable to prioritize my needs.