on medication- brief
I lost this writing once. Let us try again. As of last week I have started medication for the ADHD. It has been underwhelming. All I have are side effects. The psychiatrist mentioned it would be slow on the uptake. Effects on executive functioning would not appear until a few weeks into it. That knowledge tempered my expectations, yet the side effects are unpleasant.
Nausea seems to be the big one. It is constant. Whether I have eaten or not, it is there. Dry mouth is another. I drink a lot of water as a result. Good? Right? But no. I need to go to the restroom regardless, because - yep - another side effect. I have experienced a sudden blurring of vision. Freaky but rare.
Currently jumping between writing on my journal and writing here. Whichever comes easiest, to be honest. I would like to force myself to stick to one or another, but I fear I will do neither if that were the case,
It surprises me just how salient anxiety was in my life (is?). I mentioned before how stunned I was at my sudden inability to work upon starting the anxiety medicine. It was as if the floodgates for ADHD symptoms had been opened. The anxious thoughts were still there, just about 80% softer in volume. Easier to ignore the compulsions to act or listen to them. Of course, anxieties like "what If I don't do enough and get fired" , "if I get fired I won't be able to afford healthcare", and "If I don't work enough or beyond expectations, people will realize that I've just been tricking them about how *qualified* I am and they'll replace me with someone else!" used to function as adequate substitutions for motivation: they got me to work. Without that, I was a sailboat without wind. I also did not care. That was the scary bit. How could I not care?
I have never not cared.
What an alien feeling.
Of course, I did no work during the day. But without the same level of anxiety, it did not feel bad. I completed my tasks...eventually. But it was a challenge.
Nausea seems to be the big one. It is constant. Whether I have eaten or not, it is there. Dry mouth is another. I drink a lot of water as a result. Good? Right? But no. I need to go to the restroom regardless, because - yep - another side effect. I have experienced a sudden blurring of vision. Freaky but rare.
Currently jumping between writing on my journal and writing here. Whichever comes easiest, to be honest. I would like to force myself to stick to one or another, but I fear I will do neither if that were the case,
It surprises me just how salient anxiety was in my life (is?). I mentioned before how stunned I was at my sudden inability to work upon starting the anxiety medicine. It was as if the floodgates for ADHD symptoms had been opened. The anxious thoughts were still there, just about 80% softer in volume. Easier to ignore the compulsions to act or listen to them. Of course, anxieties like "what If I don't do enough and get fired" , "if I get fired I won't be able to afford healthcare", and "If I don't work enough or beyond expectations, people will realize that I've just been tricking them about how *qualified* I am and they'll replace me with someone else!" used to function as adequate substitutions for motivation: they got me to work. Without that, I was a sailboat without wind. I also did not care. That was the scary bit. How could I not care?
I have never not cared.
What an alien feeling.
Of course, I did no work during the day. But without the same level of anxiety, it did not feel bad. I completed my tasks...eventually. But it was a challenge.