on Gazoz
Woke up very tired today. The week’s exhaustion set in. There is much left to do. We planned on meeting my brother today. It did not happen until one in the afternoon. We had bagels at the usual place - it does not disappoint. We hopped over to Starbucks. The coffee was off. I feel unwell.
Sitting outside in the warm sun made up for it - almost. Conversation was lively as it usually is.
I have bought a new book. Unusual, as I rarely do this for myself on a whim. It is called Gazoz, by Benny Briga and Aden Sussman. The art of making magical seasonal drinks. Mainly of interest because of its imagery. However, the idea of non-alcoholic cocktails is intriguing. There is something comforting about the act of mixing drinks. That it feels comforting, however, does not really make sense to me. I do not drink. I have never mixed drinks before. My parents did. They were alcoholics. So maybe there is something in that line of thinking.
I remember my father being incredibly dependent on it to survive the days stressors. And if he should be without, our family beware. I talk about them as though they have passed, but they are very much alive. We do not get along. ]
My conversations with my therapist has basically been about them for a few months now. It has helped. I very much continued a lot of my conversations and engagements to them out of obligation. There are lies that your mind tells you. But with a third party you are able to see through them for what they are. However, once you seem them you will never be able to unsee them. As the saying goes “a rope in the dark may appear as a snake, but remains a rope forever once revealed.” You may be under the spell yet through your physical memories for a good while, but it eventually lets go. For me, I realized how lackluster our relationship really was. Once I saw this, I tried to ignore my understanding and continue engaging. But I could not. So now I don’t.
My body still reaches for them despite my mind knowing better. The body’s understanding lags. While my mind sees the rope in the dark for a rope, my body remembers the snake it used to be. And reacts appropriately.
Maybe in a few years it will understand. But for now it remembers the many times I reached for them in need of counsel. It does not remember the mind being left unfulfilled and needing to find its own way. But to be fair, the mind did not know better until recently.
One thing I have needed to remind myself is to be grateful. Because while the lies exist, they do so out of necessity and not malice. Your mind and body just want to survive. We should be grateful for the shrewdness and the willingness to whatever necessary to survive. These strategies were created when we were much younger, so it makes sense that they don’t adapt to life as an adult. But without them, we may not have become adults. Easily so. There are many who do not make it to adulthood from broken childhoods.
How different it feels to expect oneself to be grateful to our body. Even though we could not do anything without. Perhaps we may not even need to separate the body and mind like this. How often do we consciously show gratitude to ourselves? I cannot speak for anyone else but it is a rare occasion for me.
Sitting outside in the warm sun made up for it - almost. Conversation was lively as it usually is.
I have bought a new book. Unusual, as I rarely do this for myself on a whim. It is called Gazoz, by Benny Briga and Aden Sussman. The art of making magical seasonal drinks. Mainly of interest because of its imagery. However, the idea of non-alcoholic cocktails is intriguing. There is something comforting about the act of mixing drinks. That it feels comforting, however, does not really make sense to me. I do not drink. I have never mixed drinks before. My parents did. They were alcoholics. So maybe there is something in that line of thinking.
I remember my father being incredibly dependent on it to survive the days stressors. And if he should be without, our family beware. I talk about them as though they have passed, but they are very much alive. We do not get along. ]
My conversations with my therapist has basically been about them for a few months now. It has helped. I very much continued a lot of my conversations and engagements to them out of obligation. There are lies that your mind tells you. But with a third party you are able to see through them for what they are. However, once you seem them you will never be able to unsee them. As the saying goes “a rope in the dark may appear as a snake, but remains a rope forever once revealed.” You may be under the spell yet through your physical memories for a good while, but it eventually lets go. For me, I realized how lackluster our relationship really was. Once I saw this, I tried to ignore my understanding and continue engaging. But I could not. So now I don’t.
My body still reaches for them despite my mind knowing better. The body’s understanding lags. While my mind sees the rope in the dark for a rope, my body remembers the snake it used to be. And reacts appropriately.
Maybe in a few years it will understand. But for now it remembers the many times I reached for them in need of counsel. It does not remember the mind being left unfulfilled and needing to find its own way. But to be fair, the mind did not know better until recently.
One thing I have needed to remind myself is to be grateful. Because while the lies exist, they do so out of necessity and not malice. Your mind and body just want to survive. We should be grateful for the shrewdness and the willingness to whatever necessary to survive. These strategies were created when we were much younger, so it makes sense that they don’t adapt to life as an adult. But without them, we may not have become adults. Easily so. There are many who do not make it to adulthood from broken childhoods.
How different it feels to expect oneself to be grateful to our body. Even though we could not do anything without. Perhaps we may not even need to separate the body and mind like this. How often do we consciously show gratitude to ourselves? I cannot speak for anyone else but it is a rare occasion for me.